The Fixation Fix

Photo by Ante Gudelj on Unsplash

Hi, I’m Trish, and I’m a “fixer”. If you have a problem, bring it my way and I’m full of ideas to try so you get out of, or through, the situation. Broken heart? I’ve got you. Injury? I’ll drive you to the ER if I can’t doctor it myself. Is someone bullying you? Your enemy becomes my enemy. I’ve always been this way.

My kids used to call it “Mommy Magic” when they were little. And to this day, even though they are both adults, when they need to bounce an idea off me, I’m here. Ready to fix. What I realize now is that my need to fix was causing me stress and burnout. It is a lot of weight to carry the load of everyone else.

But as we all know, there are lessons we need to continue learning throughout our lives. My lesson this year has been that not only can I not fix everything, it actually hurts the person’s abilities if I try. I read an article in Psychology Today by Dr. Sandra Parker that said, “If we want to be truly helpful, we need to embrace our unrest, accept that we are helpless to control the outcome, and harness the emotional power of vulnerability to come to terms with reality.”

Deciding not to jump in with solutions all the time was valuable to me in several ways.

The first is that it has taught me that I can sit in uncomfortable silence. This is something I’ve never been good with. By keeping quiet, it give the person I’m listening to a moment to take a beat and begin to think of their options. This moment also gives me time to appreciate how the person processes difficult things. It’s come in handy as a leader, as a parent, and as a friend.

The second value is that I’m learning that problems become much more collaborative when we stop trying to “fix”. It’s such a beautiful way to build connection. Think about it, solving a problem with someone bonds you closer. And isn’t this what we’re all hoping for at work and at home?

So, what do you think? Are you a fixer or a collaborator?

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.